I'm Turning into My Mother

I've been in denial about this for a while.  Not that it is something bad, or something that is to be avoided.  Just something that I never thought would happen.  It started off really small.  At first I just found myself occasionally thinking "You should really try to have the opening area of your apartment tidy before you leave for the day."  Then it became "Always keep your bathroom clean, never know when someone will need to use it."  Next I found myself singing CiCi Winans while driving to work in the morning.  Two weeks ago I had to begin wearing a light windbreaker while at work because the AC system keeps my office freezing at all times (in my defense, I'm not the only one cold).  On Monday afternoon I walked outside to the (slightly shaded) warmth of the sun and said to myself "This sun feels so good to me!"  Today was the clincher, for today I bought a herbal cleanser/detox.  I have officially turned into my mother.

For YEARS my mother has preached on the benefits of a cleanse.  I have always smiled, nodded my head and thought "No thank you, not I, I will pass."  I follow an insane number of fitness related instagram accounts and daily I will see posts related to some type of cleanse.  Many of my friends are health fanatics (I really use the term in a loving way)so it isn't uncommon for me to hear someone say "I really need to clean my system out."  Fitness related issues is a guaranteed long conversation starter with Light Bright and at times the discussions have included cleanse programs.  My "system" may need to lose a few pounds but the idea of anything being completely cleaned out makes me slightly nervous; if it has been there this long and not caused me any issues then why change it now?  What if I need something?  What if it is forming a barrier and protecting me from something?  Can't I just drink a lot of water and be just fine?

In case you have already scrolled down and seen the posted picture, abs by May did not happen.  Positive change happened (as it isn't a drastic change please do note the picture where my hair is up is the 'before' picture; hair down is the 'after' picture; just wanted to clarify as sometimes people post "transformation Tuesday" pictures and I find myself trying to figure out which one is supposed to be 'better") but abs are still buried under some winter preparation/ front and side love handles/cushioning in case I ever happen to fall directly on my stomach/extra nourishment just in case we face a famine.  

And, in the grand scheme of life, I'm okay with having extra softness.  For all I know, it could be protecting me from organ damage as sometimes I bump into things while walking and texting (far fetched but it could totally be true!).  I'm very very very slowly learning to not compare my life to others so I am slightly hesitant to even say this but...I kinda have a lot on my plate.  I could be doing more/be responsible for more but I could also be doing a lot less.  And because of what I do have on my plate, it is hard to be extremely eager and excited about being in a gym.

And that is where the issue is because I AM in these daggone gyms.  Even on a busy week, I'm at a gym at least two or three days a week.  And on the days that I'm not at the gym then I'm likely somewhere else feeling guilty for not being at the gym.  I have even chided myself for not working out twice a day (in theory, I so want to be "that" girl but in reality, going once is great- I currently lack the superpowers to go twice).  I love sleep (especially sleep when you wake up early and realize you can get in 1.5 more hours before having to rush to work, that is just so glorious to me) and I hate sweat.  Yet I am constantly giving up sleep and sweating.  Carbs and I go way back.  Do you know how hard it is to really savor some good carbs when the thought of "You know full well you don't need those fries, why are you eating them?" is running through your head?

AND, I've been trying to lose these last 10 pounds since February!!  It is now July!  I'm tired of having the exact same goal and not being any closer to reaching it.  If there is such thing as having goal fatigue then I definitely have it.  I'm ready to reach this goal and then move on with life.  Yes, fitness is a life-long thing; lifestyle change; not a temporary fad; blah blah blah.  But I don't think one should have the same weight-loss goal for months on end, at some point you really just need to either give the goal up (not always a bad thing, maybe the goal is too extreme) or sit down and examine the barriers that are preventing you from reaching your goal. 

I think I have two barriers.  The first is that I over-reward myself with food.  Made it to work on time? Pumpkin pie spice latte as a treat! Made it to Wednesday without calling out for a mental health day? Totally earned the big kid's meal from McDonalds.  Didn't eat out all week? I DESERVE to eat this delicious lasagna that I just made.  Made it through yet another month of a long distance relationship?  Haaayyyy large chocolate milkshake with whipped cream.  You get the point.  And weekly/bi-weekly treats are a good thing, I just abuse them and wind up having one in some form every (other) day.

The second barrier is probably mental.  For years, my goal was to just be in the 150's.  Now I've reached it and it is taking so long to make it to the 140's that I'm starting to wonder if it can/will happen.  (Don't panic, I'm not trying to be 110 pounds, if I can be in the low-mid 140's and run a mile in a decent amount of time then I will have "made" it in my book).

All of this, has led to me deciding that I want to try a cleanse.  I think (hope/wish) that it will give me a slight jump in loosing these last few pounds which will hopefully motivate me to be much more consistent with my diet.  Youtube reassures me that this cleanse is gentle and will not disrupt my daily routine.  I'm instructed to eat as clean as possible, drink 10 glasses of water a day and exercise as normal. 

Wish me luck/blessings!! I'll write an update in a week.